There are two annual entertainment events that, I believe, should be required viewing for all Americans. These events, when viewed in their entirety, can teach us everything that we need to know about the state of our culture and our world. I’m speaking, of course, about The Superbowl (or as I like to call it: The Heterosexual Oscars), and The Academy Awards (or The regular Oscars). So now that the dust has settled on the 81st Academy Awards, this is what I learned.
THE RED CARPET or Why The Terrorists Love Us
There is nothing that compares to the pre-Oscar red carpet parade for the sheer F.U. display of Hollywood wealth, narcissism and hypocrisy. While much of the country, and indeed the world, is barely scraping by, our ever-growing Celebrity Caste get to put on super expensive clothes, ridiculous jewelry and parade in front of a gushing crowd of non-journalists who ask them stupid questions and lie about how great they look in their silly outfits. And we love it! The whole thing is beyond absurd, especially when contrasted with the self-importance and ‘social justice’ posturing that’s usually rewarded by the Academy. This was particularly pronounced this year when Danny Boyle’s surprise hit Slumdog Millionnaire literally implanted a large group of third-world ‘refugees’ right in the middle of Hollywood's biggest party. Chaos ensued as throngs of brown, foreign kids and strange sounding, swarthy men ran around the scarlet compound, confusing interviewers and annoying movie stars. It was a sight vaguely familiar to most of us who’ve come in contact with today's corporate America, but was completely alien to Hollywood until now. This is what I learned:
1. ABC needs a new Red Carpet team. Words cannot describe the awkwardness and inanity of this year’s announcers. Tim Gunn and gang did a horrific job interviewing everybody and seemed genuinely perplexed by the Indian delegation. The moment that stands out in my mind is Jack Black’s terribly tense attempt at humor; it failed miserably due to Black’s own needy, trying-way-too-hard brand of comedy and compounded by the won’t-play-along-and-don’t-know-how-to-use-the-hand-mike ‘reporter’. Painful.
2. Ryan Secrest and the guy from The Bachelor are pretty good at what they do. After the ABC team’s train wreck, Secrest seemed like a smooth pro, managing to get great one-liners from a whole bunch of usually stiff celebs. His exchange with Josh Brolin was particularly quick and funny. Still, that evil bitch Joan Rivers was sorely missed. She, at least, would have the balls to mock these surreal proceedings, as they deserve to be mocked. Or, at the minimum, she would have said something about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s beanie.
3. Robert Downy Jr. is an asshole. Most celebrities are dimwits. It’s true. But some seem downright nasty. Such is the case with Downey, whose constantly sarcastic and aloof posture barely disguised his obvious loathing for everybody not Robert Downey Jr.. For a wonderful actor, he sure has trouble acting nice. Am I being inconsistent? Perhaps. But the least we can expect from our celebrities is some degree of bonhomie. We pay you millions of dollars; you pretend you are NOT a self-absorbed jerk for just a few hours a year. Is that too much to ask?
4. The delegation from India will not be making a return to the Oscar ceremony any time soon. Maybe not ever. Despite pronouncements of the “new era of multi-culturalism” in Hollywood, one thing is certain: Hollywood does not want too many foreigners stealing their thunder and taking their jobs. Sure, Brits, Aussies, Scotts, French, Spaniards and even Irish are OK, but too many representatives of the ‘less developed’ countries (particularly ones with robust film industries of their own) is just a little too scary for most movie professionals. The solution: give them ALL the awards and lock the doors after they leave.
THE SHOW
The Oscar telecast has been in a slump for years now. With dwindling viewership and weak hosts, I often feel for the challenges facing the show’s producers. How do you balance masturbatory self-congratulation with trying to entertain the plebeians in TV Land? This year’s mix of more ‘intimate’ stage design and the fearless showmanship of its Australian host paid off. In what was the Oscars most entertaining show in years, the telecast overcame a roster of mostly obscure, un-popular nominees and un-satisfying wins to deliver a fun, fast-paced show that actually clicked. Here’s what stood out:
1. Hugh Jackman was very good. In what is a tough and thankless job, Jackman excelled on sheer talent and casual exuberance. The first few minutes usually set the tone for the whole show, and Jackman’s ‘downsizing’ opener won me over quickly. Sure, the following banter with the nominees was awkward, but it’s always awkward. And the dropped jokes can be easily forgiven of a guy who is not known as a funnyman. The bottom line is, Jackman played to his strengths and did not get bogged down in the desire to make people laugh every two seconds: a tendency that kills so many comedians who have hosted in the past. He was affable, charismatic and his singing and dancing were strong. I bet he’ll be hosting another Oscar before too long.
2. The Panel Presentation format did not work. It wasn’t horrible, but it slowed things to a halt and seemed uncomfortable. Let’s face it, actors aren’t usually good off the cuff; a fact made painfully clear by the stuttering of Sirs Anthony Hopkins and Ben Kingsley. And having past winners gush over the specifics of the nominated performances, created a sort of on-stage advocacy that made it clumsy for actors to actually except their awards. It seemed like they had to be nice to people who were explicitly rooting AGAINST them.
3. The show had a story arc. Structuring the telecast around the process of film-making moved things along. This ‘arc’ ensured that the awards were not just presented in a seemingly random manner, but in a way that made a little sense. Good call, though I wouldn’t want to see this every year.
4. The comedy. Again, less seemed more. The Steve Martin / Tina Fey bits were very good and I found Judd Apatow’s short film quite entertaining.
5. The Montages. There seemed less of them this year… and the nominee montages were often intercut with footage from older films, as though to contextualize the new work with the old. This was somewhat confusing. The amount of applause received by dead celebrities during the ‘dead montage’ is always interesting to note. For example, Paul Newman gets a standing ovation, while Charlton Heston (at least as big a star in his day) barely gets any applause at all. Would it have killed these jerks to clap for a great movie star who was generally known as a kind and gracious man? Or were his politics just impossible to overcome? I guess it’s OK to make billions off the glorification of guns, but not OK to champion the Second Amendment. Or maybe Hollywood types want only their bodyguards to be able to carry firearms.
6. The Special Awards. Jerry Lewis got a humanitarian award and it was good to see that his head has deflated… both literally and figuratively. Well deserved, though.
7. The speeches. Nothing too crazy this year. Danny Boyle’s speech for best Director was my favorite. Kate Winslet succeeded in not being too annoying and Sean Penn was doing well… until he opened his mouth. I wish Mickey Rourke won. That would have been ‘good television’.
8. The weirdness. Very little of it actually. And the show was worse for it. As it was, the strangest thing was still Philip Seymour Hoffman’s beanie. Of course, it would have all been different if Mickey Rourke had won for Best Actor. Too bad he didn’t.
9. The Indian delegation. The evening was so dominated by Slumdog Millionnaire that, at times, it seemed like I was witnessing a Baliwood award show. And you know what, I enjoyed it. I guess a little curry improved the flavor of this old brontosaurus burger.
THE AWARDS
I made my predictions about ten minutes before the show began, and nailed 13 out of 24. Not bad for me; I’m usually much worse at guessing the winners. The secret this time was simply assuming that Slumdog would win everything, and it did. Outside of this, there were few surprises, but here are the things I found interesting:
1. Lots of animated films, only 3 nominees! Because I have small children, I tend to see a lot of cartoons. Most of them suck. So I’m glad this category stuck only to films that had something going for them. Wall-E was obviously the best of this batch, but I would not have been surprised to see Kung Fu Panda pull an upset. It didn’t and we all got to enjoy a glimpse of what Jack Black looks like when he is not mugging for the camera.
2. Only 3 Best Song nominees! Why not the Springsteen song from The Wrestler or the Jack White song from Quantum Of Solace? Strange.
3. Peter Gabriel was right. After having to endure endless Red Carpet questions about his choice NOT to perform a truncated version of his nominated song, Gabriel was vindicated. His song, sandwiched clumsily between the two “in the bag” Indian nominees, sounded boring and half-baked, even when performed by the dashing John Legend. Maybe Gabriel dressed up as a banana would have improved the presentation, but I doubt it. Good call, Peter.
4. The night’s biggest upset. The Best Foreign Film category appeared to be this year’s no-brainer with the innovative Israeli film Waltz With Bashir seeming a lock. Then there was talk of the popular French film, The Class pulling a potential upset. The winner? Departures from Japan. I haven’t seen any of these films, so I can’t speak with certainty, but Waltz With Bashir looked like the most unique and original film of all the nominees this year and it’s loss reeks of something. I’m just not sure what.
5. Best Cinematography – Digital! Yes, Slumdog’s Cinematography win makes it the first Digitally shot film to win this award. And it’s main competition, Benjamin Button – also shot Digitally. It’s a brave new world, people!
6. Heath Ledger deserved it even before dying. Though he supposedly hated the Oscar machine, Ledger’s victory was well deserved, touching and a tad ironic. His parents and sister gave a good speech that honored Ledger without pushing the pathos. Though I’m not sure about the choice to go for Extreme Close-ups during this part. Why did they need to zoom in on Brad Pitt during Heath’s mom’s speech? I don’t know. But I’m glad The Dark Knight was honored with this award and the thought of Ledger winning for playing this particular character, is a hoot. I for one, like to imagine what the real Joker would do at an Academy Awards ceremony. It puts a smile on my face.
7. Sean Penn is a sanctimonious douche bag. Listen, he’s a great actor and I’m sure he rocked in Milk (a film I’ll watch with my kids as soon as it hits Blue Ray; they love milk), but the academy went for the political choice instead of the sentimental one, and it was a mistake. Penn’s victory isn’t going to change anybody’s mind about gay marriage. But a Mickey Rourke, live television meltdown would have gone down in the history of the Telecast. I bet, at about the halfway point in Penn’s generic and predictable speech, most who voted for him, wished they voted for Mickey instead.
8. Mickey Rourke should have won. I’ll say it again: it would have been great television! And I really wish the Academy members would get their heads out of their own asses and start thinking about us for a change. By ‘us’ I mean, the viewer. The ‘little people’ who make the whole event possible in the first place. We pay to see the movies and we watch the show AND the freaking commercials! Why can’t we have a memorable moment? Is it too much to ask for a Best Actor Oscar dedicated to a dead Chihuahua? I think not.
9. The Dark Knight should have been nominated for Best Picture. I'm not saying it should have won. I'm not even saying it's a great film. I AM saying that when a movie is this successful, it's obviously tapped into something the audience connects to. And that's a rare thing indeed. And it should be rewarded with a seat at the table. And I know just the seat it should have been given; The Reader. It would have been good for the ratings and it would have been good for Hollywood.
10. The Slumdog sweep. OK, it wasn’t a total sweep; I guess the sound mixing just wasn’t as good as Dark Knight. But it was a nearly total sweep. Was it deserved? I’m not sure. At the very least, it's a positive film with an up-beat ending that goes against the kind of apocalyptic existentialism that Oscar rewarded last year. But only time will tell if Slumdog Millionnaire is truly a great film or just a feel good bit of exotica. Either way, this Oscar gold is a gesture; a tip of the hat to the ‘global community’; Hollywood’s way of saying: “Thanks, boys! See you around.”
